If you have type 1 diabetes it does not get easier, it does not get better.
It is Type 1 diabetes. Your pancreas does not function properly. Your body produces cells that attack the insulin making cells and therefor your body can not produce insulin.
So right now as my little girls momma I am also her pancreas and this means every day I do complex mathematical equations so that my daughter can eat the food I eat. I do these equations so I know how much insulin to give her. However I have no mathematical formulas for when she is happy or sad or excited etc and it is these moments that change her blood sugar levels drastically. So when you are trying to support me and make me feel better about diabetes don't tell me it will get better, or that it will get easier because the truth is - It won't change. I still have to test her blood everyday, this will never change. I still have to calculate how much insulin to give her, this will never change. I still have to pester her everyday about what she will and will not eat, this will never change. I still watch her numbers go from 1 to 20mmols, She will always have to deal with this and these numbers make her tired, cranky close to death or long term complications. Diabetes will not change. It will not get easier.
Oh wait the moment that maybe just maybe it will get easier for me is when Lizzie does it herself. She can do all the carb counting, mathematical formulas, insulin giving and in essence keep herself alive. But when she burns out what then ....No child should have this as their future.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Our First Snow Fall
Today was full of many random events. Some beautiful some not.
My morning started at 630am. I was unaware of anything outside until after I got ready for the morning. As I entered our living room my eye was caught by what I thought was snow outside. My initial reaction was - NO Way! So like a kid I climbed on my couch and squished my face to the window to take a closer look and yes it was snow! It was beautiful. I could not wait to wake up my kids to tell them about the snow, but first I needed to get breakfast going and make sure I was ready for them to awake. As I was turning on my stove in walks my 3 year old son, blurry eyed and tired, Morning mom, Its bright, I'm hungry and the morning whine begins. So to curve the start of a crappy morning I say - Guess what Jack? It snowed. Go wake your ... Oh Good morning Lizzie. Jack starts telling Lizzie "Mommy says it snowed".... and sure enough they run to the couch and climb up to the window and squish their eyes to get a closer look. Awesome! "Mom! Mom! We have to get a plate of cookies for Santa! Wheres our chimney mom!!!!!! I can't blame them for thinking Santa is coming today as for as long as they could talk about Santa and ask when is he coming they were told when the snow falls! The snow has fallen! Before we could do anything the snowsuits were flying, coats were going on and mitts and toques and man I wish we could get ready for school this quickly. Anyhow they were out the door and on the trampoline jumping and giggling. Of course this is the one morning that all of my camera devices have no battery power - bummer!
After some short outside play we head inside for breakfast and then get dressed to get in the truck to head to Kindergarten. Yes my daughter has started school and she loves it. After we dropped Lizzie at school the boys and I headed to walmart for a birthday present and maybe a few more things.
We park - it is uneventfu,l well somewhat. I did not crash, in fact I think I drove quite well, but aparently the woman who parked beside me thought otherwise. But first let me tell you about our trip in Walmart and I will get back to this mean woman in the parking lot later.
We had so much fun!! It was easy to pick out the birthday present - the little girl turning 5 is have a princess party - we bought her a princess doll. Then somehow I found us in the Christmas aisle. I wanted to buy fun family stockings this year so Lizzie got a purple princess stocking and I got a silver one (not princess). Then Jack picked out a Iron Man stocking for himself, Spiderman for his baby brother and Captain America for his dad - yes Captain America. I tried to find another more grown up looking stocking but Jack would have none of it. So I called his Dad and Daddy was thrilled to have Captain America - Men, Boys they never really grow up do they!
So after I snuck in some stocking stuffer presents, we picked out a few groceries and paid at the till. Heading to the truck we were singing and laughing. I piled my boys into the truck and hopped in and turned it on. Only then did I notice a note on my windshield. My initial reaction was that someone hit me and left a note. But now it was the Woman parked next to me who wrote "you are a crappy driver!" Wowzers. Now I am the first to admit I have had bad moments but this was not one of them. As I was pulling into park on my side of the parking stalls she drove in from the other side and drove right through and almost hit me. Anyways regardless all that I wanted to say about this was - Who takes the time to write a cruel mean letter like that! Seriously what was her purpose- To make me feel bad? I felt enraged and she did in fact get under my skin for a little while. I just never in my life can understand mean, negative people like this.
Anyhow our day moved on. The boys went to a friends house this afternoon and I went to spend an afternoon with my daughter at Kindergarten and it was so special. There is nothing better than the hug that has the "MOM!" joined with it. We played in Kindergarten and played.
Our day ended with a family movie and Auntie coming over to join us. The movie we watched was We Bought a Zoo. A beautiful movie and a great watch. My favorite line was to his son "All it takes is 20secs of courage"
20secs of courage - now that is something to think about. The next time you have to tackle something take it 20secs at a time. I can handle anything for 20 secs. Yup I liked it and I will try it next time.
My morning started at 630am. I was unaware of anything outside until after I got ready for the morning. As I entered our living room my eye was caught by what I thought was snow outside. My initial reaction was - NO Way! So like a kid I climbed on my couch and squished my face to the window to take a closer look and yes it was snow! It was beautiful. I could not wait to wake up my kids to tell them about the snow, but first I needed to get breakfast going and make sure I was ready for them to awake. As I was turning on my stove in walks my 3 year old son, blurry eyed and tired, Morning mom, Its bright, I'm hungry and the morning whine begins. So to curve the start of a crappy morning I say - Guess what Jack? It snowed. Go wake your ... Oh Good morning Lizzie. Jack starts telling Lizzie "Mommy says it snowed".... and sure enough they run to the couch and climb up to the window and squish their eyes to get a closer look. Awesome! "Mom! Mom! We have to get a plate of cookies for Santa! Wheres our chimney mom!!!!!! I can't blame them for thinking Santa is coming today as for as long as they could talk about Santa and ask when is he coming they were told when the snow falls! The snow has fallen! Before we could do anything the snowsuits were flying, coats were going on and mitts and toques and man I wish we could get ready for school this quickly. Anyhow they were out the door and on the trampoline jumping and giggling. Of course this is the one morning that all of my camera devices have no battery power - bummer!
After some short outside play we head inside for breakfast and then get dressed to get in the truck to head to Kindergarten. Yes my daughter has started school and she loves it. After we dropped Lizzie at school the boys and I headed to walmart for a birthday present and maybe a few more things.
We park - it is uneventfu,l well somewhat. I did not crash, in fact I think I drove quite well, but aparently the woman who parked beside me thought otherwise. But first let me tell you about our trip in Walmart and I will get back to this mean woman in the parking lot later.
We had so much fun!! It was easy to pick out the birthday present - the little girl turning 5 is have a princess party - we bought her a princess doll. Then somehow I found us in the Christmas aisle. I wanted to buy fun family stockings this year so Lizzie got a purple princess stocking and I got a silver one (not princess). Then Jack picked out a Iron Man stocking for himself, Spiderman for his baby brother and Captain America for his dad - yes Captain America. I tried to find another more grown up looking stocking but Jack would have none of it. So I called his Dad and Daddy was thrilled to have Captain America - Men, Boys they never really grow up do they!
So after I snuck in some stocking stuffer presents, we picked out a few groceries and paid at the till. Heading to the truck we were singing and laughing. I piled my boys into the truck and hopped in and turned it on. Only then did I notice a note on my windshield. My initial reaction was that someone hit me and left a note. But now it was the Woman parked next to me who wrote "you are a crappy driver!" Wowzers. Now I am the first to admit I have had bad moments but this was not one of them. As I was pulling into park on my side of the parking stalls she drove in from the other side and drove right through and almost hit me. Anyways regardless all that I wanted to say about this was - Who takes the time to write a cruel mean letter like that! Seriously what was her purpose- To make me feel bad? I felt enraged and she did in fact get under my skin for a little while. I just never in my life can understand mean, negative people like this.
Anyhow our day moved on. The boys went to a friends house this afternoon and I went to spend an afternoon with my daughter at Kindergarten and it was so special. There is nothing better than the hug that has the "MOM!" joined with it. We played in Kindergarten and played.
Our day ended with a family movie and Auntie coming over to join us. The movie we watched was We Bought a Zoo. A beautiful movie and a great watch. My favorite line was to his son "All it takes is 20secs of courage"
20secs of courage - now that is something to think about. The next time you have to tackle something take it 20secs at a time. I can handle anything for 20 secs. Yup I liked it and I will try it next time.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Carbs and more Carbs
Bummer! My little girl who is sick can't sleep.
At first it was driving me nuts because it is 9pm and that is MY time. After a few times of getting after her and trying to get her to go to sleep I had an ah- hah moment. Maybe I should do a sugar test. Voila she was 3.1, LOW with 2.5U of insulin on board! WTF!
I guess when I checked her earlier and it said she was 15 she must not have been, maybe I washed her finger with a dirty rag. Who knows. What I do know now is that it is an hour later and I am still trying to get her number back up and fill her with the right amount of carbs that will put her right but not high. Seriously how did god think I would make a good pancreas?????
Well maybe now I can put her to bed after 2 juices, a chocolate milk and 1/4C of chocolate covered almonds - not even good carb choices but who cares! Shes five and man thats a great trade off for being low.
Thank God the boys are asleep. I hope she will go fast. My plan do some more laundry, watch Grimm Brothers and then off to bed when I know she is in the clear - meaning she won't die on me.
At first it was driving me nuts because it is 9pm and that is MY time. After a few times of getting after her and trying to get her to go to sleep I had an ah- hah moment. Maybe I should do a sugar test. Voila she was 3.1, LOW with 2.5U of insulin on board! WTF!
I guess when I checked her earlier and it said she was 15 she must not have been, maybe I washed her finger with a dirty rag. Who knows. What I do know now is that it is an hour later and I am still trying to get her number back up and fill her with the right amount of carbs that will put her right but not high. Seriously how did god think I would make a good pancreas?????
Well maybe now I can put her to bed after 2 juices, a chocolate milk and 1/4C of chocolate covered almonds - not even good carb choices but who cares! Shes five and man thats a great trade off for being low.
Thank God the boys are asleep. I hope she will go fast. My plan do some more laundry, watch Grimm Brothers and then off to bed when I know she is in the clear - meaning she won't die on me.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Communication or gibberish
Communication -
Such a simple word with so much packed into its concept.
I have been married for 8 years this July and together with my man for 11 years. So we should be good at this task. How about the other people in my life who have been there for longer. Not so. Communication with others is such a delicate interaction. We may giggle at books called Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus but in terms of how we speak and the gestures we use this is exactly the truth. But crazy enough it is not just the inability to communicate between genders as it can be between the same sex. Speaking in reference to myself, of course, I feel that communication can only be as good as ones confidence. If you feel strong and knowledgeable then you are ready and willing to listen to how any one will speak to you and you are open to trying to understand where they are coming from. But if you lack confidence then you unknowingly close doors, possibly to quickly and you stand strong in your opinion, not willing to see the other side. Its frustrating and saddening.
For my own personal life it has closed the door to what could have been wonderful relationships.
The trick that has worked for my husband and I is - paraphrasing. As a woman, I need to know I am heard otherwise I will ramble on about a topic - or complain as my husband would put it. But if only he knew I was not complaining, I am just not sure he heard the importance of what I was trying to say. Now, unfortunately, this trick is only shared with women in mind. Here is the funny thing - we have figured out how to communicate in a way that supports me and I have yet to find out what works for him - most likely short and sweet. Well I suppose this is not true. The best environment to have a conversation with my husband is while we work - paint the fence, build a deck what have you. Put a tool in his hand and he is willing to talk.
Still even with figuring out how to talk and how to be heard miscommunication still takes place, be it a look, the sound of a door closing possibly to hard or something as simple as how walks away from the party. It is a lifelong journey and what makes this possibly the toughest journey is that it is shared with all in your life.
You can not perfect this on your own - everyone involved has to be willing to learn how to communicate with one another. That is the challenge. If you have an answer for this, well then you must be great at communication!
Such a simple word with so much packed into its concept.
I have been married for 8 years this July and together with my man for 11 years. So we should be good at this task. How about the other people in my life who have been there for longer. Not so. Communication with others is such a delicate interaction. We may giggle at books called Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus but in terms of how we speak and the gestures we use this is exactly the truth. But crazy enough it is not just the inability to communicate between genders as it can be between the same sex. Speaking in reference to myself, of course, I feel that communication can only be as good as ones confidence. If you feel strong and knowledgeable then you are ready and willing to listen to how any one will speak to you and you are open to trying to understand where they are coming from. But if you lack confidence then you unknowingly close doors, possibly to quickly and you stand strong in your opinion, not willing to see the other side. Its frustrating and saddening.
For my own personal life it has closed the door to what could have been wonderful relationships.
The trick that has worked for my husband and I is - paraphrasing. As a woman, I need to know I am heard otherwise I will ramble on about a topic - or complain as my husband would put it. But if only he knew I was not complaining, I am just not sure he heard the importance of what I was trying to say. Now, unfortunately, this trick is only shared with women in mind. Here is the funny thing - we have figured out how to communicate in a way that supports me and I have yet to find out what works for him - most likely short and sweet. Well I suppose this is not true. The best environment to have a conversation with my husband is while we work - paint the fence, build a deck what have you. Put a tool in his hand and he is willing to talk.
Still even with figuring out how to talk and how to be heard miscommunication still takes place, be it a look, the sound of a door closing possibly to hard or something as simple as how walks away from the party. It is a lifelong journey and what makes this possibly the toughest journey is that it is shared with all in your life.
You can not perfect this on your own - everyone involved has to be willing to learn how to communicate with one another. That is the challenge. If you have an answer for this, well then you must be great at communication!
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Sun Showers and Moments
Today was beautiful. I awoke very tired as last night Lizzie had a low. she was 2.1 at 10pm with lots of insulin on board so that meant I was in for a night of checks and juice to make sure she would be okay. By 1 am she was over 6 and had little insulin in her so that meant I could go to sleep. Shortly after I fell asleep Jack crawled into bed with me - his diaper full of pee and hungry. I changed his diaper and although agreed he could have a bottle there was no way I was getting it. So I postponed in hopes that he would fall back asleep. Success! He fell asleep and thus so did I.
715am came way to quickly but thank goodness for boobs with milk and I-phones with kid games as that kept the boys in bed just a bit longer for me to WAKE UP!
By 8 we were all moving and lucky me my sister stopped in for coffee. And she brought the coffee!
After she left the kids played and I slowly tried to do some laundry, clean the dishes and sweep the floor.
After lunch we took a walk to the park just up the road from us. It just so happened that a ball game was on. So we huffed it up the last little hill to the game and sat down to watch. I think this was Jacks first time watching baseball. He said he would like to play it - I will have to investigate that maybe next year.
After the game my sister took my two big kids so that I could take Luke to the walk in clinic. So I now had a few hours to myself with Luke too. After the walk in - and my son was okay, I headed home. Luke fell asleep so I grabbed a book and sat under my tree in the sun and began to read.
As I read I heard a strange noise and wondered what it was. So I stopped reading my book and just listened to the sound. It was intriguing and then a drop landed on me and then more. Soon I realized the sound I heard was the rain. The world was having a sun shower. One of my most favorite things. I love how the sun shines through the rain drops, how it is cold and hot all at the same time.
I just sat there. For a moment in time I had a moment to just be. I had a moment to enjoy the rain, the silence and in that moment I remembered just a little bit more about myself.
In my last 5 years of having children it has been easy to get lost in them. My world is them. I love it - my children and my life. Sometimes though I wish for a moment to be me but my time will come to find me this I know. For now I am my kids and I am proud of this.
oh dear.... a child is crying.... I must go.............................................
It was Lizzie, she is okay but it worried me. We had another low tonight, only 3.6 but still with lots of insulin on board. My first concern when I hear her cry is if she is crashing so I whip out our sugar kit and accost her finger with a poke. She is 6.4 with insulin on board, so much that I can not yet go to bed. Maybe in one more hour I can go to bed I will just have to wait and see what her number will be then.
Oh the life of a pancreas so.... different. So I still will head to bed with a book as I told her I would be back in one hand (5 minutes but we talk in times of one hand, two hands or two hands and two feet (20 minutes)).
Good Night!
715am came way to quickly but thank goodness for boobs with milk and I-phones with kid games as that kept the boys in bed just a bit longer for me to WAKE UP!
By 8 we were all moving and lucky me my sister stopped in for coffee. And she brought the coffee!
After she left the kids played and I slowly tried to do some laundry, clean the dishes and sweep the floor.
After lunch we took a walk to the park just up the road from us. It just so happened that a ball game was on. So we huffed it up the last little hill to the game and sat down to watch. I think this was Jacks first time watching baseball. He said he would like to play it - I will have to investigate that maybe next year.
After the game my sister took my two big kids so that I could take Luke to the walk in clinic. So I now had a few hours to myself with Luke too. After the walk in - and my son was okay, I headed home. Luke fell asleep so I grabbed a book and sat under my tree in the sun and began to read.
As I read I heard a strange noise and wondered what it was. So I stopped reading my book and just listened to the sound. It was intriguing and then a drop landed on me and then more. Soon I realized the sound I heard was the rain. The world was having a sun shower. One of my most favorite things. I love how the sun shines through the rain drops, how it is cold and hot all at the same time.
I just sat there. For a moment in time I had a moment to just be. I had a moment to enjoy the rain, the silence and in that moment I remembered just a little bit more about myself.
In my last 5 years of having children it has been easy to get lost in them. My world is them. I love it - my children and my life. Sometimes though I wish for a moment to be me but my time will come to find me this I know. For now I am my kids and I am proud of this.
oh dear.... a child is crying.... I must go.............................................
It was Lizzie, she is okay but it worried me. We had another low tonight, only 3.6 but still with lots of insulin on board. My first concern when I hear her cry is if she is crashing so I whip out our sugar kit and accost her finger with a poke. She is 6.4 with insulin on board, so much that I can not yet go to bed. Maybe in one more hour I can go to bed I will just have to wait and see what her number will be then.
Oh the life of a pancreas so.... different. So I still will head to bed with a book as I told her I would be back in one hand (5 minutes but we talk in times of one hand, two hands or two hands and two feet (20 minutes)).
Good Night!
Sunday, May 13, 2012
I'm back!
Wow! It has been close to a year since my last entry. That's what happens I guess when life sneaks up on you! My last entry speaks about our family and our lifes journey with diabetes. Life has succeeded so much for us. We have since had our baby, a boy. We named him Lucas Vincent. Today he is 7 1/2 months old. Everyone is wonderful and my family is complete. I feel it completely, no more wondering or feeling like something was missing. My 3 beauties keep me so busy but also so happy.
Life with diabetes continues to be a win/struggle relationship. Some days are brilliant and I try to
redo them but I never can. Somedays I fret over Jack and whether or not he is getting what he needs being caught in the middle of diabetes and a baby. But all I can do is love and in the end hope that it is enough. It's what my mother did for me and today that is/was enough.
Speaking of my mother- tomorrow is mothers day. A huge shout out to my mom. I love you NO MATTER WHAT! You are the best most amazing mom/ grama ever!
So now that I am back on my blog I hope to be hear more often. Mostly to share my journey and my families journey with diabetes and maybe just maybe it will give peace or help to those of you who find me. Good night for now. I am off to bed with my beautiful girl sleeping beside me and my husband who is soon to follow.
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